I paid too many bills to be paying attention to things that don’t pay my bills.

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A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

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What's the difference between empathy and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care...
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When I said I was a monster in the bed, I was talking about eating cookies while watching TV )
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My friend said, "My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?"
Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
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Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, give him a pen, he'll probably draw a penis.

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D umm many called him
O ut of sense and understanding
N ow he says
A ll worship him
L et us all do one thing
D o please think

T ucked deep in the asses of the rich
R umbles around senselessly
U nrestrainedly enslaving
M any people
P arty they all made then so much

si_irini

TARIFFS BAD, BOOBS GOOD. - Elon Musk

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I can't wait to retire so l can get up at 6 and go drive around really slowly and make everyone late for work.

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80% of married men cannot fall asleep after sex because they still have to drive home.

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Exercise makes you look better naked.
So does tequila.
Your choice.
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Shower sex is so different when you are in prison.

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I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong… and probably drunk.

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I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings.

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My boss calls me "the computer"
Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

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